Love bombing is a scary part of dating: at best, you’ll go out with a narcissist, and at worst, you’ll lose $50,000 to a romance scam. 

What does it look like? Well, often it’s easily described as excessive affection. If somebody is love bombing you, they might: 

• Shower you with praise, gifts, affection
• Give you plenty of attention, whether it’s planning many dates, calls, or texts
• Talk about plans for the future, joking about marriage

It’s starting to sound like a romcom or a Taylor Swift song, right? They’re so into you, you’re flattered. 

Origins of Love Bombing: It Gets Culty

How did showing affection become a giant red flag for users of dating apps? Love bombing, as a term, goes back to the 1970s, and is often used to describe abusive relationships. It’s a manipulation tactic that often goes unseen on dating apps because it’s so normal to believe in “love at first sight” and to romanticize the idea of feeling strong emotions and expressing them quickly in a new relationship. 

Love bombing is actually an official tactic of cults! “The Family” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Family_International)  and the Unification Church of the United States openly use the term “love bombing” when describing ongoing manipulation of their cult victims. (Why are cults so good at branding such creepy things?)

This Is Your Brain Getting Love-Bombed

Why do we fall for it if it all seems so good to be true? Well, because it feels good. Whether it’s a dopamine rush or an endorphin boost, it’s hard to break the cycle. Especially if you’re on HER in the first place, you came here to feel your pulse race. It just sucks when the person doing it has scammy intentions.

Do LGBTQIA+ Baddies Love Bombs?

For sapphics, we often joke about U-Hauling or moving in quickly with partners. So love bombing often feels like a normal emotional part of the LGBTQIA+ relationship arc. We want love, and we want it bad. Scammers and abusers know this and use it against us. It doesn’t help that a higher percentage of LGBTQIA+ folks didn’t grow up with healthy, happy role models for love.

The Anatomy of A Love Bombing Scam

• Stage 1: Initial Contact

  • Methods of Introduction: The scammer may initiate contact via social media, dating apps, or mutual connections.
  • Crafting an Ideal Persona: The scammer often appears as an ideal match, tailoring their likes, dislikes, and interests to align perfectly with the victim's.

• Stage 2: The Bombing Begins

  • Rapid Emotional Intimacy: The scammer showers the victim with affection, compliments, and grand gestures to create a whirlwind romance.
  • Love Declarations: Expect "I love you" to come quicker than in a typical relationship.
  • Overcommunication: Constant messages, calls, and possibly even unsolicited gifts.

• Stage 3: Emotional Isolation

  • Divide and Conquer: The scammer attempts to isolate the victim from friends and family, often framing it as a way to strengthen their 'special' bond. They will try to use an app like WhatsApp, where they can’t be caught. 
  • Undermining Trust in Others: They might hint or outright claim that friends or family members are jealous or not to be trusted.
    
    

• Stage 4: Emotional Manipulation & Control

  • Sudden Emergencies: The scammer may fake emergencies requiring emotional support, time, or, most commonly, money.
  • Inducing Guilt: If the victim shows reluctance, the scammer employs guilt-tripping tactics, referencing the love and affection they've showered thus far.
    
    

• Stage 5: Financial Exploitation

  • Monetary Requests: These can range from small 'tests' (like paying for a minor emergency) to significant financial asks.
  • Access to Personal Information: Scammers may seek access to bank accounts, credit cards, or other personal information under the guise of love and trust.
    
    

• Stage 6: The Fade or Exit

  • Ghosting: Once the scammer has achieved their objective, they may disappear without a trace.
  • Excuses and Promises: Alternatively, they might offer elaborate stories for their absence, promising to return and maintain the relationship but never following through.

• Stage 7: Victim Aftermath

  • Few victims ever report such scams. And yet we know billions of dollars are stolen by romance scammers each year. The FBI and the FTC both attempt to help you spot scammers and report them. But often it’s too late.
  • Most romance scammers will earn thousands of dollars without ever meeting face to face. They’ll build trust using messages, calls, video chat - anything to avoid meeting in person. They will have perfectly good excuses for why they can’t meet and prove who they are. And AI is helping them scam harder 

Protect yourself: don’t send money or gifts

At the end of the day, anybody can be a victim of romance scams. Love bombing is just one tactic scammers use to get close to their victims. Dedicated scammers will try many tactics to convince victims to share something valuable. It’s a lucrative business, and they rarely get caught. Bottom line: it’s just not safe to send money to somebody you haven’t met. Who knew 70s cult leaders would be paving the way for shady internet schemes? 

But I’m a Lesbian! I Love Long Distance Connections! 

We love them too, but you’re going to have to meet up in person eventually. Online-only love bombers are very likely to escalate into romance scams, so at least meet IRL before you start to talk about things like money or sensitive private info. We hate to say it, but AI scammers are going to be able to fake phone calls and video calls, meaning that the pen pal-to-LDR pipeline is in jeopardy.

What If A User Is Verified?

Read more about HER’s verification here. With the rise of AI & deepfakes, technology of scammers is moving extremely fast. You can feel safer meeting a verified user, but you still should never send them money

How to Report a Romance Scam

If you paid a romance scammer with a gift card, wire transfer, credit or debit card, or cryptocurrency, contact the company or your bank right away. Tell them you paid a scammer and ask them to refund your money. If you think it’s a scam, report it to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. Notify us, as well. 

Other scam help:

https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/data-visualizations/data-spotlight/2023/02/romance-scammers-favorite-lies-exposed